It's been a while since I wrote. I've been tied up a bit. There is this war, my kids, lawyers, and a ton of stuff that would bore you to death.
Right now, let's talk about my SOCOM pals who have had enough. 8 years ago, it was 5-800 of them in Jordan, and 2-300 in Iran, mostly on the Kurdish/Iraq border.
They all knew what they were getting into.
That's what they'd all say about me if our positions were reversed. Sole Survivor in some encounters.
Their wives and families might feel different but it's of no consequence. How many grieving widows did you see on the news or MTV during the big popular wars?
Not many.
Definitely not our widows. Our wars, the small, silent, and angry ones were very personal. There were no fleets of fighter jets or any kind of cover. Most of our missions required preparation for suicide. No US marked anything. No ID, no Hanes socks, no whatever might make you American.
But enough of that. How does this link to the title?
A great many of us warriors will latch on to flawed or broken partners. We do so because we have only the smallest time at 'home' to seek out a partner. We grab what we can get and hope for the best. Anyone willing to put up with us being gone 6 to 9 months of a year or more.
Not love. An illusion. Some of them are addicts, and some of us are addicts. This makes for codependency. What is that?
Well...when someone in love with someone with other priorities relies on the lover to do things like lie, cover for their inability to make commitments, or otherwise cover for their chosen one - that's codependency. It isn't a label for a person, but a relationship.
I was called codependent by people who didn't understand I was trying to fight it. It made me angry to be given a defective label. It's not a label. Not for a person, it's not a diagnosis. I'm only talking about it because it fits with my overall theme of healing from PTSD. This often comes with alcohol abuse disorder.
Alcohol abuse disorder is an excellent place to look and study for information about how codependency starts.
In my case, I fell in love with this woman. I knew she was an addict. If I had known that it meant she could not love, I'd have fled. But at the time I had no idea.
I thought love could help her. I could help her. That her road to recovery would be lit by love. I was wrong.
She dragged me down into her circle of hell, I could not drag her out. Her family was of no help.
Nobody knew how 'codependent' they had all been because none of them would look at their entire family and its dynamic for codependency driven by the mother.
She is an alcoholic, and her husband covers for her. Her family is rife with them. Even my love could point out who in the family was alcoholic. She knew she was an alcoholic from age 14.
When I met her she was turning 40. I had passed 40 and closer perhaps to 50 than I cared to admit.
I thought I could save her, but I was wrong. I tried, god how I tried. To be fair, I'm a drinker. Sometimes I go too far, sometimes, I just drink a little or nothing at all. I can put it down and walk away from it. I thought she might find this skill, talent, or power but she could not. She only got worse...
In the end, she ignored me for weeks on end, she wouldn't sleep in our bed. She would be out on the couch at 3am drinking, promising to come to bed but never doing it. She would drink until she threw up in a plastic bag. Her barf would melt through and stain the floor. I would find these bags a day or two later, too late to stop the stains. She would ask me to take her to the ER or I would see her breathing was so bad I would take her. I was the first to take he to detox, and the first mate to go through rehab with her. I did 2 of them, the third was too much.
I watched her house, cared for her dog, did the chores, covered her at her day job and did everything in my power to love her.
It can never be enough for an addict. They can't love you back and do the same for you. They just love the bottle. When I tried to set boundaries, pushing back against the codependent pattern she had dragged me into, she threw me away.
Classic alcoholic/addict behavior. Once you are of no use to them, you are tossed aside.
I thought there was a good person worth loving in there, she presented a good person as her facade but she is just another addict. A pretty enough face, but her soul is filled with loathing for everyone. She only wants to drink herself to death.
Our future? Not banning addictive substances, but identifying addicts, and getting them help. Institutionalization for those beyond help. Sarah is one that needs institutionalized. She will die without forced sobriety
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